WATCH TIM’S TALKS
Tim Fletcher has delivered his lectures and talks on YouTube for many years now as a free learning resource to all. You can see many of them below. Subscribe on YouTube to stay up-to-date!
Tim Fletcher has delivered his lectures and talks on YouTube for many years now as a free learning resource to all. You can see many of them below. Subscribe on YouTube to stay up-to-date!
Tim looks at the factors necessary to ensure and maintain Post Traumatic Growth.
Instead of ending up with PTSD, is it possible to end up with PTG (Post Traumatic Growth)? The short answer is yes, but what does the path to growth after trauma look like? What tools are necessary to get there? Tim unravels the details here in Part 98 of his Re-Parenting series.
An important part of parenting is helping a child, who thinks only about short-term consequences, to begin making decisions in light of long-term consequences. Tim talks about how Complex Trauma can mess up how a person understands consequences, and gives helpful guidelines for growing in this area.
How is your relationship with your body impacted by complex trauma? Most people from Complex Trauma have a conflicted relationship with their body. Tim talks about several different ways that Complex Trauma affects our relationship with our body, and some practical tools for healing.
Tim looks at the research of Positive Psychology and the formula for happiness.
Every parent wants their child to be happy, but many don't have an accurate recipe for happiness.
Parenting involves helping a child learn to deal with fears regarding things they can't control.
"Letting Go" has become a buzz word in Recovery. Sadly, it sometimes get misused and misunderstood. What does it mean? Tim explores this.
Research is showing that there is a connection between Complex Trauma and sleep issues. Tim explores this topic.
Tim examines a compelling case study of Sara and her transformative first year of recovery. In Part 2 of this case study, we look at some of the common problems that a person from Complex Trauma will encounter when they start getting healthy and decide to enter the dating world again. Tim looks at 9 common triggers when people start dating again and we'll explore why their underlying issues are triggered.
Tim examines a compelling case study of Sara and her transformative first year of recovery. Throughout her journey, we uncover the challenges faced by those carrying deep emotional scars. The central theme reveals how people like Sara often create protective survival strategies that can hinder their ability to confront the real issues at hand.
Tim summarizes the history of trauma research and the main points of understanding that gradually evolved.
One of the realities of those with Complex Trauma is that they struggle with Intrusive Thoughts. But does that mean they want to carry out the thought? Or is that just a myth that has developed? And why does one get Intrusive Thoughts; and what are practical tools for dealing with them?
Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS) is now being recognized as a significant type of trauma. What is it? What causes it? What are the characteristics? Tim discusses this very important topic.
Over 90% of people who engage in Criminal Activity have Complex Trauma. What is the connection between criminal activity and Complex Trauma?
Research is showing that Complex Trauma can have a profound effect on how a person develops sexually, and it can cause people to confuse love with sex. Tim explores the ways that Complex Trauma can distort one's sexual development.
Why do some people have an insatiable hunger for power and control? Is it connected to Complex Trauma? Tim explores this subject and how to heal the underlying issues.
Why do some people argue about everything, resist any instruction from others, argue the opposite of whatever conclusion you make? Tim explores the origins of defiance and oppositional attitudes, and helps us understand when it is healthy and when it is unhealthy.
Are you seeking admiration vs seeking approval? What's the difference between seeking validation in a healthy way vs in an unhealthy way? Why do people seek it in unhealthy ways? What are the long term consequences of this unhealthy behaviour?
Why do people feel entitled? Is it possible to have subconscious feelings of entitlement that you aren't even aware of? Does Complex Trauma contribute to feelings of entitlement? In recovery from Complex Trauma, it's crucial to ensure you're attentive to your own needs. However, some people unknowingly fall into the trap of excessively and unhealthily expressing their needs. This can lead to a sense of entitlement - even when it comes to people in their lives.
What's the difference between healthy people pleasing and unhealthy people pleasing? How can one tell if they people please from an unhealthy place? Why do people fall into unhealthy people pleasing? How does one change this unhealthy pattern?
Many people navigating Complex Trauma find that they have a negative, critical mindset. They often realize that this mindset serves various purposes, like self-protection and coping. However, what starts as a defense mechanism can lead to increasingly harmful consequences. Tim dives into why this happens and shares some practical ways to start shifting those thoughts.
People raised in chaotic environments often have a complicated relationship with chaos in their adult lives. Even though they might hate the unpredictability and stress it brings, chaos can feel strangely familiar and comfortable, reminding them of their past. This tension can lead them to subconsciously seek out chaotic situations or dramatic relationships, thinking that’s the only way to experience emotions intensely.
Why does it happen that someone who is usually smart and quick-thinking suddenly experiences brain fog and can't think clearly? In this Friday Night Tim Talk, Tim explains why this occurs and how it is a common characteristic among those of us who have experienced complex trauma. Understanding the connection between brain fog and complex trauma can help us recognize our experiences and take steps towards healing and clarity.
Jumping to worst-case scenario conclusions is a common survival skill developed by many people who have experienced Complex Trauma. Unfortunately, this mindset persists even in safe situations, leading to difficulties in relationships and diminishing the joy in everyday life. As a result, life often feels dominated by fear and anxiety rather than the ability to enjoy the present moment. So, why do we continue this behavior, and how can we effectively change it?
Why do we procrastinate? Does Complex Trauma contribute to this problem? Why do some of the common "fixes" for procrastination not work for people from Complex Trauma? How do we go about bringing about lasting positive change in this area?
In this Tim Talk, Tim explores how trauma impacts our eyes in three significant ways, shedding light on the often-overlooked connection between emotional health and vision. Research is showing that trauma affects the eyes in 3 major ways. C-PTSD cause migraines, difficulty with eye contact, and nervous tics, among so many other complications related to your eyes.
Why do many people with Complex Trauma repeatedly end up in relationships with emotionally unavailable people? Why do people choose someone who is emotionally unavailable without realizing it, and after having been wounded by it in childhood? How does one break out of this prison? Tim answers all of these questions in this talk.
Many from Complex Trauma have never felt that they belonged. They have spent their life trying to fit in, but always seem to end up feeling like an outsider. Why is that? Tim explores this question and what we need to do to heal and change.
Many people from Complex Trauma have been made to feel like a failure, and failure is their default setting; and now, without realizing it, something in their subconscious brain sabotages anything successful in their life so that they return to failure. What is this about and how do we change it?
For many who grew up in Complex Trauma, they were lied to, betrayed, used, abused; promises were broken, etc., etc. The core need of a child to trust was violated and eroded. To survive, they had to stop trusting. But for many, they continue to do this in adult life, even with trustworthy people; and it prevents healthy relationships and does a lot of damage. Mistrust has become a prison. Tim explores this painful prison.
Abandonment in childhood creates fear of abandonment, which creates a series of patterns that are intended to prevent abandonment from ever happening again; but that actually create abandonment. It is a prison. Tim explores why this happens and how to change it.
One of the prisons created by Complex Trauma is unrelenting standards - believing that if you just try harder, and set higher standards for yourself, that you will succeed and be satisfied. But it keeps you in a prison; it keeps you in a loop that feeds shame. How did this prison develop and how do we break free from it?
Tim shares 3 final subtle causes of Complex Trauma - a spoiled child, a parent with anxiety issues, and unresolved guilt.
Tim continues looking at other subtle causes of Complex Trauma - a pretty sibling who gets special treatment, parents who put all their hopes in a child, having your physical needs met but not being desired.
Tim explains 4 subtle potential sources of Complex Trauma - being an unwanted child, the death of a sibling, a sibling with a chronic illness and a living with a chronic illness.
Understanding our 12 Basic Needs and learning to meet them is a foundational piece of healing and becoming healthy. In this talk, Morag gives us some of the many practical tools that will help in learning to meet our 12 Basic Needs.
The reality of a narcissistic leader is that they create an unsafe environment and some type of abuse will happen. Someone will get hurt, and the environment will become increasingly unhealthy. How can one tell if a leader is narcissistic? Tim presents 12 characteristics of a narcissistic leader.
We live at a time when organizations welcome narcissists as their leader, but then experience tremendous damage as a result. Why are Narcissists attracted to positions of leadership? Why do organizations welcome Narcissists as their leaders? Tim will provide answers to these important questions.
What does an affair have with Complex Trauma and Generational Trauma? Tim explores the answer to that in a case study.
Unhealed Trauma usually becomes generational. It creates Complex Trauma in the next generation. Tim explains why this is so, the characteristics of generational trauma and how to break the cycle.
Complex Trauma requires a child to make adaptations in order to survive and to try to get their needs met. Many of those adaptations are obviously unhealthy (lying, manipulating, masks, not trusting), but some appear to be good (be funny, work hard, be an achiever). But shame takes naturally good behaviours and does them for the wrong reasons, as well as overdoes them. Tim looks at 10 good behaviours that shame distorts.
What is shame culture? Is there a connection between shame, Complex Trauma and shame culture? What are the unhealthy aspects of shame culture? Tim answers these questions in this talk.
Does Complex Trauma result in having more biases? Tim looks at research regarding this question as well as 30 biases that are often influenced by Complex Trauma.
Tim tells a parable about how trauma began, and it highlights a subtle subconscious template that exists in our limbic brain - a template we are all vulnerable to listen to when our limbic brain is triggered today.
Merle shares her story of discovering more subtle forms of Complex Trauma in her life.
Tim looks at how deep and hidden many of the sub-conscious templates are, and, because of Complex Trauma, how they pull us in the direction of doing what is unhealthy - what is harmful to us. He also shares research that gives hope that it is possible to bring healing to unhealthy sub-conscious templates.
One of the most subtle and common sub-conscious brain templates is the belief that if there are problems in a relationship, I must be doing something wrong - if I make some changes, it will surely improve things. This results in many people remaining in abusive relationships with narcissists. Tim explores this common sub-conscious template.
Complex Trauma creates subconscious brain templates - default networks. It's what then feels normal to the child; and something in their subconscious desires to return to it, even years later in adult life. This results in the person doing many things that the healthy part of them doesn't want to do.
One cannot fully understand the impact of Complex Trauma unless they understand the workings of our Sub-Conscious Brain. Tim explains the power of the sub-conscious brain and talks about norms and priming.
Tim looks at the final 15 Faulty Logic Fallacies that are used frequently in Complex Trauma families. Often, it is about not seeing conflict as a way to get to the truth about the situation (they don't care about the truth), but as something that must be won at all cost, even if they have to use distortions and dirty tactics.
Any conflict with someone who is not willing to admit they are wrong will always result in them using tactics that are distorted. They seem logical but there are subtle flaws in their reasoning. Narcissists, Gaslighters and some family members use these regularly. Tim explores 30 Faulty Argument Styles.
Tim looks at 12 signs that a person is healing from trauma.
Tim talks about some of the deeper issues that contribute to suicide and how Complex Trauma influences many of those issues.
Tim explores two possible components of Complex Trauma for some people - political trauma and war trauma.
Captivity Trauma is a part of Complex Trauma and it takes place in many different ways. Tim looks at the types of Captivity Trauma, the psychological control that is often used in maintaining captivity, the long-term effects of Captivity Trauma; and how to heal from it.
A child usually experiences Complex Trauma as a result of relationships at home, but it is possible for them to experience Complex Trauma through 4 other spheres. Tim explains the other possible contributors to Complex Trauma.
Tim looks at some of the subtle things that deplete us of energy and two different types of self-care.
What is Limerence? Is it connected to relationship addiction? What causes it? Does it have anything to do with Complex Trauma?
Part of parenting is helping your child know how to detect whether a person is healthy. Our culture uses a dating checklist that often results in a person thinking that someone they are dating is a good catch, when actually they are quite unhealthy. Tim gives some criteria that can help us find safe people.
Tim looks at the final 5 of the 8 A's that make up our emotional needs. These are the needs that must be met if we are to feel loved, safe, respected and not experience Complex Trauma: Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Allowance
Tim looks at the 8 Core Emotional/Relational Needs. These needs need to be met in order for a person to feel safe, loved, valued, secure and respected. This video covers the first 3 - Attachment, Authenticity and Autonomy.
The final episode on helpful distinctions in Recovery.
Tim gives some more helpful distinctions to help in the Recovery journey.
Tim looks at more helpful distinctions that are important to understand in recovery from Trauma.
An important part of the recovery journey is learning to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy. Healthy escapes vs Unhealthy escapes; Healthy withdrawal from people vs Unhealthy isolation; Healthy Self-care vs Unhealthy Selfishness. Tim explores some of these important distinctions.
Children do not usually like to wait. They have a small window of tolerance. Parents must teach children the value of patience and how to gain a bigger window of tolerance. Complex Trauma makes patience even more difficult. Tim explains why and gives tools for increasing patience.
Many from Complex Trauma reach adult life and don't know who they are. They have spent their life playing roles and wearing masks. They are not sure what their original authentic personality is. How does one figure out their personality? Tim explores this question.
Since depression can be more than just genetic - since it can be influenced greatly by Complex Trauma; it is important to understand the aspects of Complex Trauma that feed depression. That way, we can begin to learn tools to heal and manage those things, which will ultimately help our depression. Tim gives 20 things from Complex Trauma that can feed depression.
Tim looks at how Complex Trauma affects mental health, as well as what research shows about a core cause of mental health issues. He ends by giving practical tools for managing mental health issues.
A difficult challenge for many parents is parenting a child with mental health problems. The same is true when it comes to re-parenting oneself after Complex Trauma. Over 90% of people with Complex Trauma struggle with mental health issues. How do we understand mental health issues? What causes them? How do we help someone with them?
Tim wraps up this mini-series on grief with some practical guidelines for grieving.
Major loss is not "got over" in a day or two. In many cases, it takes quite a while for the brain and emotions to resolve the loss. We now understand that there are parts to this process. Tim helps us understand this process.
Most with Complex Trauma did not receive many healthy tools for grieving, but they received unhealthy tools. Often they aren't even aware of what those unhealthy tools are. Tim defines 31 unhealthy grieving tools.
Parenting involves giving a child tools to deal with loss. Sadly, in Complex Trauma, most children do not receive healthy tools to deal with loss. Tim begins this series by helping us understand the many losses that people have to deal with in their lives.
We talk about 5 Love Languages; but is there such a thing as Connection Languages - things that cause people to feel more connected to others and help them be present, open and vulnerable? Tim explores 10 Connection Languages.
Once one begins to understand what love is, what steps does one take to begin to learn how to be capable of loving relationships? Tim looks at 2 things - learning to love yourself and learning your relationship template.
6 more misunderstandings about love are explained.
Love is one of the most misunderstood concepts today, but it is so important to understand love and know how to love if we are to be healthy. Tim looks at the first of 7 misunderstandings about love.
Human trafficking is becoming a significant problem in our world. It is the second biggest revenue source for organized crime. Not only does it traumatize people, but people with Complex Trauma are the most vulnerable to fall prey to it. Kristen, the director of our Windsor RE/ACT Centre, talks about this very important topic.
Parenting sometimes involves helping your child not be afraid of the dark; which involves giving them tools to handle the dark. We all know that darkness can be dangerous and scary; Tim looks at some of the benefits of literal and metaphorical darkness.
Codependent relationships tend to follow a similar pattern.
Every child faces adversity. Everyone on Recovery faces adversity. Do we try to protect them from some of it or all of it? What tools can we give them to help them get through it and benefit from it?
Healthy relationships and a healthy life require vulnerability. But for those from Complex Trauma, vulnerability is dangerous and scary. What does healthy vulnerability look like? Tim explores this important question.
Emotional Intelligence begins with becoming aware of our emotions. But that is difficult for many from Complex Trauma who have disconnected from their emotions. Tim gives practical tools on how to become aware of emotions.
Tim Takes the listener through an EQ Test to help them understand the many different factors that are part of Emotional Intelligence.
Re-Parenting involves becoming aware of my emotions, managing my emotions in a healthy way, expressing my emotions in a healthy way and responding well to the emotions of others. But Complex Trauma makes it very difficult for people to do this. Tim helps us understand why this is so.
Every parent wants their child to be physically healthy. But what are the components of physical health? Is it just taking care of the physical machine, or is more involved?
Parenting a child who continually lies can be very challenging. But what happens if that is you? What is it that triggers you to tell a lie? Stopping yourself from lying is more than just promising not to lie; it is dealing with the underlying issues that get triggered and cause you to lie in the first place. Tim will explore these underlying issues that can get triggered today.
Every child needs to learn self-discipline if they are to succeed in life. For people from Complex Trauma, self-discipline is something they either love or hate. Why is that? What can they do to grow in this important area?
Where does perfectionism come from? What are the characteristics of perfectionism? How does one grow and change in this area?
When painful situations can't be resolved for a child, some learn to cope by escaping to fantasy. It helps them survive, but can have negative consequences in adult life.
Abandonment is a big part of understanding Complex Trauma and it results in the fear of being abandoned again in future relationships. This can result in behaviours that prevent healthy relationships. We look at 36 attributes of the Fear of Abandonment Characteristic and ways to overcome this fear.
Why do people manipulate? Here we will look at thirty-one tactics people use and the negative consequences of manipulating others. How should we deal with manipulators and how to stop oneself from manipulating.
People from Complex Trauma often struggle with authority issues. Some get diagnosed with O.D.D. (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) or Conduct Disorder. Why is this such a big issue? What tools are there for changing?
People from Complex Trauma usually have an inner critic that finds something wrong with everything they do. Why is that? Does it help? What can we do to change it?
People who have experienced Complex Trauma often become addicted to chaos without even realizing it. Why is that? What are the signs that someone has an addiction to chaos? How does one change?
People with Complex Trauma tend to need distractions. Why is that? What causes ADHD? How does one become more healthy in this area?
People with Complex Trauma usually reach a point of feeling hopelessness at some time. After that, they want to hope, but something in them is afraid to hope. They're afraid their hopes will be dashed again. This can result in them sabotaging everything good in their life, and any success that they have.
People with Complex Trauma often struggle with being impulsive - acting before they think, making decisions based on how they're feeling without thinking about long term consequences. Why is that? What can they do to change?
People from Complex Trauma usually learn quickly that authenticity results in rejection and pain so they learn to wear masks. It seems to work, but in the end, it doesn't. Is it possible to find true connection without authenticity? Is it possible to be authentic and not be rejected? These are the question Tim will explore.
Many who experience Complex Trauma struggle with control issues. Why is that? What can be done to change?
Many people who have experienced Complex Trauma struggle with trust because they have been let down, lied to and betrayed so much by people they thought they could trust. But trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. How does one heal so that they can trust again?
Many from Complex Trauma struggle with feeling that they don't have value, and they also tend to go about finding value in unhealthy ways. Why is this so? How does one develop a healthy sense of value?
Many who have experienced Complex Trauma develop a negative and critical mindset, where they habitually find fault with almost everything. Why is that so? Is it a big deal? What can they do to change?
What happens in a person when they have to move from the priority of loving others equally with themselves to the priority of survival? The long-term results are significant, and can do much damage. That's what Tim will be exploring in this talk.
Most people with Complex Trauma have many insecurities about their appearance and personality. Those insecurities can negatively affect their life and relationships. Why do they struggle with so many insecurities? What can they do to heal and change?
Complex Trauma is the result of the abuse of authority. Some people with Complex Trauma, who were on the receiving end of the abuse of power, end up abusing power themselves when they get in a position of authority. Why is that? What can they do to change?
Having a tendency in life to live for instant gratification may seem innocent, but it can lead to many unforeseen problems. It is an especially difficult issue for people with Complex Trauma. Why is that? What are practical tools for change?
People who have experienced trauma have trouble regulating their emotions. They have a stress response system that is overactive and overreactive. It often results in problems in relationships and at work. Why is emotional dysregulation part of trauma? What can a person do to change?
People who experience Complex Trauma often survive by some form of dissociation. But this can cause problems in adult life. There are degrees of dissociation. Tim discusses the types of dissociation, the problems it can cause in adult life, and how to change to healthy ways of coping.
People from Complex Trauma often create the very things they hate and are trying to avoid - like abandonment, disrespect and repeating the same mistakes. Why is that? And what can they do to change?
People from Complex Trauma were often made to feel they were a burden as children. This can keep them from asking for necessary help in adult life, which can result in thinking they have to be self-sufficient, but that is impossible. So, they set themselves up for failure. What can they do to change?
Why do people from Complex Trauma fear change? What tools are available to help them change?
Why is it common for people with Complex Trauma to not know who they are? Are there practical tools that can help them get to know who they are?
Many people with Complex Trauma have memory issues. Why is that? What can be done about it?
What is the difference between PTSD and CPTSD? And how does that affect the treatment required?
Tim presents a test consisting of 64 questions that will give people insight as to whether or not they have C-PTSD.
Tim presents a test you can take that expands on the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) Test, to provide characteristics of your family of origin that may have resulted in C-PTSD.
People from Complex Trauma tend to experience more losses than people who don't have Complex Trauma; and they usually don't have very many healthy tools for grieving those losses. They also have a unique kind of loss - they have lost things they never had, but should have had.
One way to see many of the characteristics of Complex Trauma is as tools to survive, to not get hurt again, to get needs met. But they are not healthy tools for a healthy adult life. Tim gives a long list of unhealthy tools that are in the toolboxes of many people from Complex Trauma
Helpful quotes and perspectives on the difficult journey of healing from Complex Trauma.
Complex Trauma shapes how we cope.
People from Complex Trauma were often made to feel they were a burden as children. This can keep them from asking for necessary help in adult life, which can result in thinking they have to be self-sufficient, but that is impossible. So, they set themselves up for failure. What can they do to change?
Severe codependency is often characterized by a narcissist and co-narcissist being in a relationship. Tim explores the characteristics of both.
What is shame? What causes shame? How does it affect us?
How codependency results from Complex Trauma.
Complex Trauma = Chronic Stress; but for most, it is they're normal, and they don't even realize when stress is building and becoming a problem. Tim talks about the effects of stress on the body and practical tools for dealing with stress.
Good communication requires good listening; which can be difficult for people from Complex Trauma. Kimberly explains why that is so, and gives helpful tools for becoming better listeners.
Communication is an essential part of life, but effective communication is difficult, especially for people from Complex Trauma. Tim talks about what healthy communication looks like and all the things that can mess up healthy communication.
For some in Recovery, culture is not a safe place. This makes Recovery even more difficult. Tim talks about 3 unhealthy aspects of culture that make it a Complex Trauma environment for some people - racism/discrimination, patriarchy and the sexualization of women.
Every culture has both healthy aspects and unhealthy aspects. The unhealthy aspects can add extra difficulties for someone in Recovery. They have to go against what many people consider to be "normal". Tim talks about 3 subtle negative forces in our culture today.
Aging is difficult for everybody, but especially for people who haven't dealt with their Complex Trauma. Also, for many in Recovery, one of the difficult things to figure out is what their responsibility is for their aging parents. Tim discusses both of these issues.
Having dreams about what one's life will become is a healthy part of growing up. But sometimes those dreams don't happen. Sometimes those dreams are crushed. How do we help ourselves (or a child) through the process of dealing with the loss of dreams?
How do you help a child who is grieving? How do you help your inner child who might be grieving? It can be different than helping an adult who is grieving. Kimberly Stowers, a coach at LIFT, presents much helpful information and many helpful tools.
Sometimes when a family is "normal", it does not mean they are healthy, it just means that we are used to them and they are like a lot of other families. But they could actually have some very unhealthy characteristics that we aren't aware of. Tim helps us think through subtle things that can be unhealthy in families.
Somewhat healthy families can create Complex Trauma in their children if they have some important things out of balance. It can be subtle, but it can do a lot of damage. Tim explores some subtle unhealthy aspects of family dynamics and tools.
How do you tell if a family is healthy? It is tricky since being a family means balancing your needs with my needs; time together vs time apart; fun vs serious; work vs rest; love vs self-care. Tim helps us think through some of the negative results that can happen when two of those competing needs gets out of balance.
An important goal in conflict should be to learn from the conflict, after it is over? What did we do well? What could we have done better? Tim gives practical tools for doing this.
The goal of conflict should not be to win but to understand; and hopefully then, to resolve. This talk gives practical tools for processing conflict; and give a practical approach for processing 5 of the 7 most common, and hottest, conflict topics.
Every relationship has conflict. Conflict can be a very good thing; but for those from Complex Trauma, conflict has always been a bad thing. It has only led to more pain. As a result, most have avoided conflict and don't have many healthy tools for resolving conflict. Two tools are explored in this talk - how to introduce conflict and how to respond when emotions escalate.
Respect is essential to a healthy relationship. But what does healthy respect look like? And if respect has been lost, how is it recovered?
An important ingredient of a healthy relationship is that each person invest time and energy to "get" the other person - to understand them at a deep level. Most people from Complex Trauma have never experienced this while they were growing up. This talk is full of practical tools and lots of questions that you can ask someone to help you get to know them better.
What are the signs that a relationship is unhealthy or that it is breaking down? What is the reason a relationship breaks down? What are the signs that a relationship is past the point of salvaging?
Parenting involves teaching your child how to choose good friends, be a good friend, and giving them the tools to have a healthy relationship. Complex Trauma greatly works against that in many ways. Why is that? What does a healthy relationship look like?
Dealing with an eating disorder is very difficult and painful. What causes eating disorders? Is it a symptom of deeper issues? Is there an approach that will help a person struggling with an eating disorder?
Why do people self-harm? For most, it is a temporary solution to their emotional pain. Sadly, it doesn't resolve their pain and ends up creating greater pain. What tools can a person learn so that they no longer need to self-harm? And how should we respond to someone who is involved in self-harm behaviour?
Borderline Personality Disorder has become a label that carries a stigma. Tim asks people to get rid of that label and look at how a person would cope today in an intimate relationship if they were deeply hurt in a relationship as a child. How do we heal from deep relationship wounds? What are helpful tools for when those wounds are triggered today?
Re-parenting ourselves involves deconstructing our past - carefully evaluating what we were taught so that we can discover any lies or any unhealthy tools were given to us. It is discovering why we have problems in our lives right now. It is examining the foundation and building materials of the house of our lives that is now falling apart. This is necessary so that we can get healthy, but it can be a difficult process.
Peace is something every parent desires for their child, but peace is such an illusive thing. What are the ingredients of peace and how does one attain internal and external peace?
Parenting involves preparing children for the pressures/temptations they will face in new situations. As a child grows, they learn that they will face pressure not just from their external world, but also from their internal world. They have a dark side, dark urges, dark forces within. What tools help us deal with these dark internal and external forces?
Parenting an angry child is extremely difficult. What tools help us do this?
Parenting an anxious child is challenging. What are tools that will help us do this?
Another way to describe re-parenting is to think of it in terms of parenting a child with Complex Trauma. This is a child who already has many unhealthy coping tools and is using survival tools in an attempt to feel safe. Today, Tim shares strategies for parenting and re-parenting Complex Trauma.
Part of parenting is talking to children about "the birds and the bees". But what happens if a child is sexually abused or received teaching about sex that was distorted? What ramifications would that have in their life? What would re-parenting look like so that they end up with a healthy understanding and experiencing of sex?
Every child fails. Failure is part of life and learning. But for people who grew up in Complex Trauma, failure was never a good thing. Nothing good came out of failure. So, re-parenting oneself requires learning to respond to their own failures in healthy ways, so that they become positive learning experiences.
Successful lives are built on healthy habits used to meet our 12 Needs. Research shows that the younger children learn healthy habits, the better chance they have at a healthy life. But Complex Trauma results in lots of unhealthy habits. What are healthy habits? How does one break bad habits and start healthy habits?
Research regularly shows that a healthy life is built on healthy thinking. Children need to be taught, not only what to think, but also, how to think. Complex Trauma negatively affects both. It results in believing many lies and in having many unhealthy types of thinking.
Re-Parenting involves learning how to meet my 12 needs. When do I need help from others? When am I totally responsible myself for my needs? What exactly are my needs?
What is spirituality? It is often not understood in our culture. What is the difference between spirituality and religion? Is it important? What are some of the ways it can be distorted and become harmful?
Children need to be taught that it is not just important what they do (their actions), but also why they do it (their motives). Good actions with the wrong motives can do a lot of damage. Children from Complex Trauma grow up in a world of unhealthy motives. What do healthy motives look like? How does one grow in this area?
Children are naturally resilient; it is something that must be taught to them. Children from Complex Trauma learn to survive, but are not resilient. Complex Trauma creates a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. Re-parenting involves learning resilience today. Learn how that is done.
Every child needs to know how to find healthy friends, and how to distinguish between safe people and unsafe people; and they need to know what process to undergo in order to figure that out. They also need to know what to do when they encounter parts things in people that make them feel uncomfortable or annoyed. Do they reject the person or accept them?
To be healthy a child needs to be fully accepted - their body and personality. But there is a tricky part to acceptance. Do I accept all of my body, or are there some things I can change? What do I do when it comes to accepting other people or circumstances? Is it all right to accept some things and reject others?
Giving and receiving gifts in a healthy way is very important for a child's development. But Complex Trauma messes up most of this. Re-parenting ourselves requires learning to give and receive gifts in a healthy way; and it has many, many benefits.
The brain develops ways to protect the wounded inner child. These are known as adaptations or protectors. The problem for people from Complex Trauma is that once they become adults, these adaptations cause them a lot of problems in relationships and life. Learn about these protectors and how to reparent them during todays Tim Talk.
Practical tools for connecting with one's inner child.
Many find inner child work to be an important part of their journey of healing from trauma. But what are people referring to when they talk about their inner child?
An overview of 17 parenting styles, 16 of which are potentially harmful, so that people can catch any harmful styles they are using to re-parent themselves.
Being healthy is the result of balancing all of the needs and responsibilities of one's life. But it is very complicated, especially for people with Complex Trauma. Learn why this is so, as well as healthy tools for becoming balanced.
Parents teach their children how to process and resolve hurt. Getting hurt in relationships and by life is part of life. In recovery, we must re-parent ourselves to learn how to respond to hurt in a way that will enable us to resolve it.
Research shows that adults need play almost as much as children do; and that play is very important for maintaining good mental health and healthy self-care. Most people from Complex Trauma have not experienced healthy play, and so this is something important for them to learn as they reparent themselves.
Trust is a foundational building block of a healthy life; but in order for a child to build trust, they need parents who are committed to them. What does that kind of commitment look like? It is important to understand it because I need that same kind of commitment today to myself.
In order for a child to develop in a healthy way, they need much encouragement. Complex Trauma families breed discouragement. Re-parenting self involves learning to encourage self and others.
A healthy life is only possible is one has the right values. Many from Complex Trauma grew up with the "Laws/Values of the Jungle". It is important for them to learn a healthy set of values
For most people with Complex Trauma, they have many painful memories about Special Occasions. But Special Occasions that are done in healthy ways are vital to creating healthy people, families and societies.
One of the challenges of re-parenting ourselves is dealing with our limbic brain. Tim gives an understanding of why that is so, and practical tools for helping us.
The foundation necessary for a child to develop in a healthy way is attachment. What does a child need in order to attach? What are practical tools for developing secure attachment?
Healing from Complex Trauma involves reparenting our wounded self. Tim begins looking at what is involved in this process. Today, he looks at the necessary building blocks an infant must have if they are to develop in a healthy way.