Understanding Complex Trauma in Adults and Its Impact on Relationships

Dating Triggers - Sara | Part 2

If you have experienced complex trauma, know someone who has, or perhaps you are a counsellor or therapist, you’re likely familiar with the emotional triggers that accompany dating. We’re going to demonstrate themes around this through a fictional journey that represents the stories of many people who have experienced complex trauma and have gone through our programs.  

If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, you can catch up here 

Being Helpful: The First Trigger

After a year of therapy and mindful work, Sara decided she was emotionally healthy and ready to get back into the dating game. Right away, she realized there are triggers everywhere for someone healing from complex trauma.  

The first trigger came when Sara was invited for dinner at a friend’s house. She arrived and, as expected, her friend and the friend’s partner greeted her. What she didn’t expect was there was another man there—a man who was single. It became obvious quickly that her friend intended to set her up with this man.  

Sara was outraged. Sara had NOT asked for help in this arena. And if she thought she needed help, this friend was NOT the person she would go to. This friend had played some kind of embarrassing instrument in the school band—how could she think she was important enough to give Sara dating advice?  

The man was friendly and polite. He smiled a lot, and as soon as dinner was over, he began clearing the table and preparing to wash the dishes. Sara raised her eyebrows, thinking he was pathetic.  

After sharing this in therapy, Sara’s therapist asked, “What was it about his behaviour that turned you away?”  

“He was boring! A guy like that probably sings in church with his family. He probably wouldn’t know how to take risks to save his life.”  

“Was your dad ever like that?” he asked.  

Sara was surprised by the question. “No. What does he have to do with this?”  

“After your mom died and your dad left, you took care of your siblings, right?”  

Sara swallowed. “Yeah. So?”  

“Do you think it feels threatening to meet someone who would potentially fill that role in your life? He sounds healthy—which means you wouldn’t need to rescue him. Do you have any idea who you would be in a relationship if your role wasn’t to take care of the other person?” He waited a moment. “What do you think it would be like to be with someone who respects you and stays with you out of love rather than because he needs you to take care of him?”  

“I’ve never thought about it that way,” she said.  

“It’s okay. Your mind is programmed to look for ‘the bad boy’ type, so when you see it, your brain releases oxytocin, which creates attraction. So you have to fight against this to reprogram your brain to now be attracted to healthy qualities in men. This is why you didn’t feel any connection to the genuine man at your friend’s house.”  

Thoughtfulness: A New Perspective

Sara and this man, Steve, began to spend time together. They would go hiking, cook meals together, and they got to know each other’s friends. If Steve was running behind at work and would be late for whatever they’d planned for the evening, he would call and let Sara know.  

This seemed over the top to her. Sara made fun of him for ‘checking in’ with her whenever he did this. But her counsellor had a different opinion.  

“I understand why this seems like strange behavior,” he said after she told him about this.“If your dad was running late, you just had to sit there and wait for him. Steve is calling to tell you he’s running late because he values your time.” 

“It’s weird though. It’s not like I’m his boss at work or something.”  

“But you understand that it would be important for him to let his boss know if he’ll be late, right?”  

“Well, yeah.”  

“Why is it important?”  

Sara shrugged. “Because he probably wants to keep his job.”  

“He wants to keep his job because it’s valuable to him, right?”  

“Right …”  

“That’s how he feels about you, Sara. His actions are showing how he feels about you.”  

Communication: Opening Up About the Past

Sara considered this for a silent moment. “I guess I’ve never experienced a relationship where someone feels that way about me. But he won’t feel that way once he hears about my past.”  

“I understand why you feel that way, Sara. When you were a child, you didn’t feel safe to be your authentic self, and it’s natural to feel unsure about communicating authentically for the first time.”  

“Things are going so well with us—I don’t want to rock the boat.”  

“Do you trust him? Do you want to deepen your relationship?”  

Sara nodded.  

“I know this is hard, but I encourage you to consider opening up to him about your past.”  

Sara left the counselor’s office with an anxious heart. She felt safe showing Steve the surface of her emotions, but if she allowed him to peek inside, he’d see all the garbage she carried. She took a deep breath to steady herself and pushed open the building door to step outside.  

Steve was waiting for her on the sidewalk with two coffees. His car was parked nearby. “How did it go?” He smiled and handed her a drink. “Are you okay?” His smile vanished as he studied her.  

Sara swallowed. “Do you mind if we go for a walk? There’s something I want to tell you.”  

He held her gaze with gentle eyes. “Of course. Let’s walk.”  

Sara let out another slow breath and started from the beginning. “My mom died when I was very young …” Once she began sharing, the details just spilled like water. She talked about being responsible to deal with men who her dad worked with, how her dad left and never came back. She shared stories of taking care of her younger siblings and how she had to steal from local stores to feed them. About how the police eventually got involved and placed them with a foster family.  

When she finally stopped, she realized she’d been speaking for over an hour. She blinked at Steve in embarrassment. “I’m so sorry, you must think I’m crazy.”  

He took both her hands in his and gave a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that. I hope we can talk more about this if and when you feel comfortable.”  

Intimacy: Facing Vulnerability

As time passed, Sara knew it was becoming strange that she always made excuses for not having sex. She hadn’t told Steve that she had herpes, and she played with the idea of breaking up with him so she wouldn’t have to tell him.  

Her counselor reminded her, 

So one day, she told Steve she had herpes. He became quiet. After several minutes, he said, “Okay. I need to think about this.”  

One week went by, then another. And another. After four weeks, Sara went to see her counselor. “Looks like I scared him off,” she quipped, seating herself sideways in the chair with her legs draped over the armrest like a teenager. “Can’t say I didn’t see it coming!”  

“How are you really feeling about this?”  

Sara scoffed, and a small grin formed on her lips. “Honestly? Relieved. Pretending to be normal is exhausting.”  

“What do you mean?” He cupped his chin in his hand.  

“His family is so perfect—everyone is kind to one another, and they all do things together and care about each other. I’ve been trying my best to fit in with them, but I’m so overwhelmed by it all.”  

“It’s very different from your normal. I understand that.” He nodded. “You know, Sara, transitioning to a healthy lifestyle is hard work—if you compare your journey to someone who is training for a marathon or the Olympics, you can see that progress happens over time. And you’ve done very hard things to get here. You are a different person than who you were when we first met because each day you are choosing to put in the hard work. Healthy decisions lead to healthy habits, and over time, your ‘normal’ will become healthy too.”  

Sara’s eyes filled with tears. “But I opened up to him, and he rejected me! I knew I was worthless! I knew it!”  

Her counselor handed her a box of Kleenex. “When you told him you have herpes, that was a big piece of information, and he may be taking this time to seriously consider this and weigh the options. But let’s take him out of the picture for a moment and focus on your healing journey: this is the first low in a series of highs; ups and downs will happen to everyone regardless of the choices they’ve made. You get to decide where your life goes from here: whether you push forward towards a better life or if you slide back. You’ve done so much hard work to get here. What do you want to do?”  

Sara wiped her eyes. “I want to keep going forward.”  

The following week, Sara returned for counseling wearing a big smile. “He’s back. He told me he went to see a doctor who gave him lots of information about how to have safe sex with a partner who has herpes. It took him a long time to consider what that meant for him long-term, but he decided he still wants to be with me.”  

Money: A Trigger for Conflict

“He’s so cheap; it drives me nuts.”  

“Do you mean he doesn’t spend money when you’re together?”  

Sara crossed her arms. “Yes and no … when we go see a movie, he makes popcorn ahead of time, and we smuggle it into the theatre so we don’t have to buy popcorn! It’s embarrassing. He also rents out a bunch of rooms at his place to college students so he can have extra cash, but then we hardly have any privacy. And when we go away to his family’s cottage, he spends the whole weekend doing repairs instead of hiring someone so he can spend time with me.”  

The counselor leaned back in his chair, thinking. “Steve took a month to decide if he wanted to continue a long-term relationship with you, right?” After Sara nodded, he continued, “It sounds like he is someone who is thinking about the future. The extra money he saves or brings in can help establish himself financially so he can take care of you. If you think about this from that angle, how does that make you feel?”  

Sara thought for a moment. “That makes sense, I guess. I just wish he would spend more time with me in the present instead of focusing on the future.”  

“Do you think you can talk to him about that before we meet again? Let me know how it goes.”  

Lavish Spending / Love-Bombing 

“He gave me one rose for Valentine’s Day—only one.” Sara rolled her eyes. “When my dad bought gifts for his girlfriends, he made sure they got designer purses and pretty nails and jewelry.”  

The counselor let a moment pass. “I’m going to ask you a personal question, but it might sting a bit: If you were dating someone like your father and he bought you lavish things but didn’t make sure his kids had enough to eat, how would you feel?”  

Sara widened her expression. “That would be awful. I wouldn’t let him do that.”  

“Okay, well let’s look at what we know about Steve: he thinks long-term. That means he wants to take care of you long-term. If he splurged his money and bought you a dozen roses, then he would have to account for that loss somehow, likely by working more hours or living on an even smaller budget. His actions tell you more than his money would.” 

“It’s hard to digest a mindset like this. It’s all new to me.” Sara slouched in her chair.  

“I think money is one of the most common triggers for couples. If your relationship continues to be serious, you may want to sit down together and talk about both of your financial priorities.”  

Compliments: Feeling Seen and Valued

Sara twisted her fingers and looked at her lap. “He doesn’t tell me I’m pretty. I get all dressed up when he comes over, and he doesn’t even notice. It’s like I’m invisible. My dad told me I was pretty every day, and my other boyfriends did too.”  

Her counselor said, “I can tell that compliments of your appearance are important to you. Does Steve know that about you? Have you ever told him that?”  

“Doesn’t everybody know that looks are important?” 

“This week, I’d like you to bring this up with him. Your past molded your expectations in one way, and his past molded him in a different way. It is important to talk about expectations in relationships because he can’t read your mind, and you can’t read his mind.”  

The next evening, Sara had Steve over for dinner. She dressed up as usual, and once again, he did not comment on her appearance. As they finished their meal, she said, “Do you think I’m not attractive?”  

He froze, then set his glass down. “You’re beautiful. I’ve thought so since the moment we met.”  

“But you’ve never said it.” She swallowed. 

He narrowed his eyes with a gentle expression and gathered her hands into his. “Sara, I didn’t want you to think I was the kind of guy who compliments you just to get sex. I love so many other things about you—like your internal beauty, your smile, your thoughtfulness, and your kindness—and I wanted you to know I respect you and admire all parts of you.”  

Sara started to cry. Steve came around the table and wrapped her in his arms. “You are beautiful inside and out. I will tell you that every day if that makes you feel loved.”  

Anger: Breaking the Cycle  

At their next session, Sara shared that Steve had left her.  

“What happened?” Her counselor asked. “Did he give you a reason?”  
“He says I have anger issues—which is stupid because everybody gets angry. It’s a part of life. And it was his fault.”  

“Did something specific happen?”  

“I was making spaghetti for us for dinner, and I went to the fridge to get the leftover sauce I’d made the day before—but there was only a spoonful of it left! He’d eaten all of it!” Sara’s face flushed. “I gave him a piece of my mind and threw the container against the wall.” She shook her head. “He said I have a serious problem. Then he walked out.”  

“Do you get angry like this often?”  

“Only once or twice a week.”  

Her counselor said, “Sara, have you ever seen him react to you in this kind of way?” She shook her head. “What about other people—have you seen explosive anger anywhere else?”  

“My dad was like this all the time.”  

“That makes sense then that this would feel normal for you because it’s all you’ve known. Your father’s explosive anger wasn’t healthy, nor was it your fault. If he had been able to get some help, he would have learned healthier ways to express his anger. If you like, we can work on this together. It won’t be easy, and there isn’t a quick fix, but it is possible to find healthier ways to express yourself.”  

Sara went home and thought about what they’d discussed. The next evening, she asked Steve to meet her for coffee. She apologized for her outburst and told him about her therapy and how she can see where her unhealthy behaviour comes from. “I’m going to work with my counsellor to find a better way to express my anger.” She wasn’t sure if he would take her back, but he did.  

Risk and Stability: Embracing Change

Sara and Steve had settled into a comfortable routine for their lives. So she was shocked when Steve came home one day saying that he was thinking about starting his own business.  

“Start-ups cost money, and what if you lose everything?” She tried to keep her voice even, but her words were laced with panic. She went for a walk to clear her mind and didn’t bring up this topic again until her next session.  

Her counselor said, “From what you’ve shared about your life, I can tell that change is frightening. After your mom died and your dad left, you were left feeling alone and scared. You were a child, and there wasn’t anything that could have prepared you for that. Your dad listened to the impulsive side of his brain, called the limbic brain; he had the idea that leaving was his best option, so he left without thinking it through. Acting impulsively always carries risk. Does that make sense?”  

Sara gave a slow nod.  

“Change looks very different for people who explore their decisions, weigh the pros and cons of their potential actions, and take calculated risks.” He waited for the information to settle.  

“I didn’t think of it that way,” she said.  

“How could you?” He asked with a gentle tone. ---“You are still learning about what healthy behavior looks like. And you’ve come so far.”  

Additional Resources to Support Your Journey

You don’t have to navigate this path alone. Explore these resources designed to support and empower you:

- ALIGN Courses: Practical, self-paced, trauma-informed tools to help you navigate recovery with clarity and confidence.

- Article: Read “The Effects of Complex Trauma on the Nervous System” for actionable insights into overcoming trauma’s long-lasting effects.

Healing is a journey of self-discovery and empowerment. You don’t have to walk it alone. Let’s take the first step together