Sexuality as Love - Complex Trauma Prisons
Every child is born with an intense need to connect and feel loved. This deep emotional bond develops when their 12 basic needs — including connection, belonging, and security — are consistently met.
A Slide Showing How Early Life Foundations Shape Our Sexuality
Important Periods of Sexual Development
Ages 4–6 mark a natural stage where children begin to explore their bodies and discover what feels good.
By the time puberty arrives, we realize that sex can fill the emotional connection we crave. However, if we’ve lacked safe, consistent attachment during childhood, we may begin searching outside of relationships to fulfill this longing.
The power of sex
Sex becomes a tool to mask feelings of shame and inadequacy, replacing them with temporary sensations of:
Tenderness
Nurturance
Being seen
Respect
Acceptance
Validation
Attunement
Connection
Pleasure
Love
But if sex becomes the only tool we know, our brains start to equate it with all-encompassing love. The result? Our emotional needs no longer connect us to people — they are funneled into sexual acts instead.
This creates a powerful distortion: intimacy and steady relationships become unattainable. Any time feelings of being unlovable, broken, or anxious arise, we turn to sex as the solution, perpetuating cycles of disconnection and unfulfillment.
Sex as Identity
Sex is an integral part of identity; it is not something that can be tucked away or ignored. When a child grows up without the tools to meet their emotional needs for love, belonging, and acceptance, it’s natural to seek something — anything — that cures the ache of longing.
Everybody Has a Sex Life
Every individual has a sex life, whether outwardly expressed or internalized as fantasies. This is true even for those who identify as asexual or who experience “skin hunger,” the profound longing to be touched.
When children are body-shamed or subjected to distorted teachings about sex, it causes tremendous harm to their future understanding of identity, intimacy, and vulnerability.
The societal definition of “normal” sexual behavior is narrow and often culturally constructed. This limited perspective excludes the diversity of sexual fantasies, pleasures, and behaviors, causing many to experience deep shame and anxiety around their sexuality. Despite the abundance of mainstream content about sex, open conversations — even with partners — are rare. This lack of dialogue fuels cycles of secrecy, confusion, and repression, leaving many unprepared to navigate their sexual development or explore their desires.
A slide showing the roots of distorted sexual development
Points of Origin: Four Ways Sexual Development Can Become Distorted
1. Common Distorted Teachings on Sex
- Sex is dirty.
- Sex is merely an obligation for procreation.
- Women must put aside their needs to pleasure their husbands.
- Thinking, reading, or talking about sex is evil.
- Enjoying sex too much makes it an idol, replacing love for God.
- Women are responsible for controlling men’s desires by dressing modestly.
- Men must always initiate sex, and women must respond positively.
2. Sexual Abuse
Experiences of sexual abuse profoundly impact a child’s sexual development. Without healing, this trauma often manifests in adulthood as:
- Triggers during sexual activity.
- Asexuality, or feelings of being “dirty” or ashamed of sex.
- Overeating or neglecting hygiene to appear less desirable.
- An obsessive pursuit of sex to recreate feelings of validation from abuse.
3. Neglect
When parents refuse to talk about sex, children may develop hypersexuality, craving constant sexual pleasure as an escape.
4. Parental Sexual Issues
Growing up with parents who have unresolved sexual issues can lead to harmful overreactions to a child’s natural expressions of sexuality, resulting in shame, confusion, and distorted beliefs about intimacy.
Characteristics of the Complex Trauma Prison
- People-Pleasing: Feeling the need to give sex to earn value and secure intimacy.
- Dissociation: Disconnecting from emotions and the body due to past abuse, a pattern that persists into adulthood.
- Self-Soothing/Masturbation: Using masturbation to regulate emotional distress and seek validation.
- Self-Reliance: Avoiding trust and connection by relying on masturbation. Over time, this leads to longing for a partner, though partnered sex may feel uncomfortable or alien.
- Pairing with Unavailable Partners: Recreating childhood dynamics by choosing partners who mirror rigid or emotionally unavailable caregivers.
- Sex Without Intimacy: Seeking countless sexual partners while avoiding emotional vulnerability to prevent getting hurt.
- Fantasy World: Turning to pornography, strip clubs, or hiring sex workers to satisfy desires without forming attachments.
- Excitement and Risk: Trauma survivors may engage in risky sexual behavior to escape emotional numbness and feel alive.
A Slide Showing the Effect of Trauma on Sexuality
How Complex Trauma Distorts Sexuality
Sex can seem to “solve” deep-rooted trauma-related issues by temporarily addressing:
- Shame and Inadequacy: Sex can make someone feel powerful, worthy, or superior.
- Emotional Needs: Filling inner longings for connection, belonging, and acceptance.
- Fear of Abandonment: The belief that sexual connection prevents rejection or loneliness.
Two Types of Sex
1. Physical/Genital Sex: Focused solely on achieving orgasm, often transactional in nature.
2. Attachment-Based Sex: Builds emotional and physical intimacy, fostering safety, connection, and mutual fulfillment. This type of sex provides the deepest pleasure and satisfaction.
To achieve attachment-based sex, both partners need to:
- Feel emotionally safe.
- Be capable of secure emotional attachment.
- Operate within their parasympathetic (rest and relax) nervous system.
Unfortunately, many trauma survivors struggle to access this type of intimacy because they’ve never learned to feel safe in relationships or experience secure attachment.
Cultivating Fulfillment After Complex Trauma’s Impact on Sexuality
1. Work to understand how your childhood distorted your sexual development. Identify emotional and behavioral patterns that shaped your beliefs about sex and relationships.
2. Accept that it’s never too late to learn healthy sexuality. While frustration about learning this later in life is normal, remember that healing starts with self-compassion.
3. Find someone safe to discuss these issues with openly and honestly.
4. Learn to differentiate between attachment-based sex and purely physical sex.
5. Incorporate emotional intimacy into your sex life. Extend foreplay to include trust, openness, vulnerability, and connection.
6. Talk to your partner about your needs, desires, and love languages. Ensure both partners feel seen and valued.
7. Address triggers during sex as opportunities for growth rather than fears to suppress. Approach these memories with curiosity and gentleness.
8. Consider scheduling sex to create clarity and reduce fear of rejection.
9. Explore what healthy sexuality means for you, including masturbation and fantasizing. Differentiate between healthy and unhealthy expressions of your desires.
10. Expand your understanding of sexuality through resources like sex therapy certification or literature on human sexual expression.
Healing from complex trauma and distorted sexual development is a journey, but it’s one that leads to greater connection, self-awareness, and fulfillment.
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