Recovery and Letting Go
Misunderstanding "Letting Go"
Letting go of unhealthy attachments means more than just letting go of unhealthy relationships and activities; It also means letting go of unhealthy and false belief systems. And the work does not stop here – letting go of unhealthy attachments must be accompanied by attaching to healthy belief systems, people, activities, support systems, etc.
What's involved in letting go, and are you ready? In this segment from Tim's Re-Parenting series, he explains the process of letting go, from setting boundaries, to identifying your healthy and unhealthy attachments, to Internal Family Systems. One of the most important parts of letting go is forming healthy attachments and giving yourself patience during this process. Watch this video to learn more.
The Recovery Perspective
Many who reach out for help misdiagnose their problem by believing if they are able to stop or let go of a certain addiction (alcohol / drug use, domestic violence, etc) that their life will be all better.
The problem here is that they aren’t taking time to dig under the surface to find out where these behaviours started.
The Buddhist Perspective
Buddhist teaching emphasizes looking inward and letting go of the idea that obtaining any “thing” will lead to happiness. He realized in his culture that many chased happiness in the forms of material objects or certain people, but once they came into possession of them, they didn’t feel fulfilled long term – rather, they felt empty and greedy and went out looking for the next desirable “thing.” So he was advising his followers to let go of unhealthy attachments.
Connections
Children come into the world with the drive for connection. If they are unable to connect to mom and dad or a caregiver, a belief forms that they are not good enough – this leads to fawning, the potentially endless journey of trying to be something they are not in order to win the approval and attention of everyone around them.
They develop the false belief that their authentic self will never be good enough, and so they must adapt to become whoever those around them want them to be.
If people-pleasing doesn’t work, their mind now moves to explore other areas of getting attention:
Being a “bad” kid
Getting hurt all the time
Creating chaos, and so on.
If there is still no connection at home they will look for other places to belong like peer groups, sports teams, choirs – what is key here is that these connections continue to be done from a place of fawning / people-pleasing, not as their authentic selves.
The next place to seek belonging comes through things that provide positive feelings to replace what they aren’t getting from people:
Teddy bear or treasured toy
A new bike
Special blanket
A safe place
As the child grows and becomes an adult there are several “things” or activities they can connect to for a quick escape. These are not true attachments and though they may bring short-term happiness, they will lead to feeling empty
Video games
Food
Masturbation / Sex
Sports
Porn
Alcohol
Drugs
Success / status
Wealth
In recovery you will realize that many of the things you’ve connected with have some healthy aspects to it - for instance, food, sex, and video games are not “bad” and when you are able to develop healthy boundaries in your relationship with them you can still keep them in your life. But there will be some things, like toxic relationships, that you will have to let go of completely.
Coping Mechanisms & Adaptations
Common adaptations children adopt to connect
Note that those that are validated by parents will be the hardest to let go of.
Many can be part of a healthy lifestyle in the presence of healthy boundaries and authenticity
Always being funny / being the ‘joker’ in the room
The need to always be in control
Being a people-pleaser / fawning
The ‘forever-martyr’ / poor me / please feel sorry for me
Never trust anybody
Hypervigilance / constant anxiety
Strong inner critic / always judging yourself
Always judging others
The flirt / the most desired person in the room / using your body and body language to get what you want
The person who always performs fantastic in bed
Becoming a workaholic
The person who helps and takes care of everyone
Proving that you’re the smartest person in the room
Achieving outstanding accomplishments to earn your value
Pledging to suppress all negative emotions
Staying out of conflict at all cost
Becoming an overthinker / believing you can think your way out of any situation
Trying to be invisible / Deciding to never express your needs so others won’t feel burdened by you
Becoming completely compliant with a religious or other organization
So these are all ways that a child growing up in complex trauma learned that they could keep the peace, prove their value, stay safe, and make it through each day.
These adaptations worked in childhood. But now 20-30 years later they’ve become maladaptations and are preventing intimate relationships and hurting those they love most.
Beliefs & Values That Are Lies
A child who has been adapting their behaviour to survive in complex trauma will have a set of untrue beliefs that they live by.
If you see who I really am you’ll reject me / abandon me
Trusting people leads to getting stabbed in the back, so I can’t trust anyone
I’m a failure: that’s why I’m being neglected / abused
I don’t matter as much as others
I must be perfect in order to be good enough
I must never be angry or upset
My value comes from my body / or my brain / or my accomplishments
People only pursue me to use me
I’m not good enough to be loved for who I am
If I ask for help people will resent me for being a burden
Extroverts are superior to introverts
Now those lies are preventing healthy relationships and causing you to sabotage every good thing. It’s time to let go of these lies.
Practical Steps
Enter this process by showing yourself patience. Understand that this takes time, and you may not be in the right place to let go of some things right now.
Your limbic brain and cortex each let go of things at a different pace.
The cortex / logic part can see the pros & cons and come to the conclusion that letting go is a good idea.
But the limbic / emotional part has developed an emotional attachment which includes emotional memories where the unhealthy behaviour / thing / person brought positive results and so this part of the brain has a hard time letting go. This is why patience over a period of time is so important.
Your brain wants to reset to autopilot / default mode
Your brain’s default / autopilot has been programmed by your life so far, meaning that if you are used to people-pleasing you can slide back into that old habit if you are not constantly working to let go of people-pleasing.
You will also be hit with feelings of being disloyal to your friends and family if you’ve always put their needs before your own. You may have been taught that this is what love looks like and so now when you step away it will feel like you’re doing something wrong. But this is because you are breaking away from habits and teachings that you’ve built your life around. It is healthy to break away from unhealthy habits and false teachings.
Stepping into new territory carries uncertainties and can carry fear. This is why it is important to have safe people to support your decision to let go and support you in moving forward.
Positive & Negative Consequences to letting go
Once you decide to let go of unhealthy behaviours you will begin to experience positive change. But you will also experience negativity from people who are used to benefiting from your unhealthy behavior.
For example: You’ve started setting boundaries and saying “no” with your parents, toxic friends, toxic boss, etc and they are not happy about that. Now they accuse you of being selfish. You may realize that you have to end these relationships and that will lead to a season of loneliness, false guilt and questioning whether you’ve done the right thing. Your limbic brain wants you to give in and go back to the way things were so you can remove these negative emotions and feel better right now – but your cortex knows that sticking to your boundaries leads to feeling good long-term. It is important to have support and community around you to help you reach for long-term healing.
Tackle One Thing at a Time
Healing is a long-term journey that requires pacing and patience. Move slowly in action and expectations. Prioritize which relationships and which unhealthy habits you want to work on first.
It is important to note that many relationships that have toxic elements also have positive elements as well — this means you don’t need to completely cut them off. This is where implementing healthy boundaries is important. If mom and dad call you every night and disrespect you, maybe you say that they can only call on weekends and that there are certain things you won’t talk with them about.
You can set healthy boundaries with social media, TV, sleep, sex, alcohol, food, etc in the same way. Ask yourself if your relationship with these things is serving your journey towards healing, and if it isn’t, then it’s time to modify the boundary.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
As a child grows they learn how to adapt their actions to affect those around them to protect the wounded child and get their needs met. These adaptations are like parts of an internal family called firefights and managers. Their functions include telling lies, getting angry, fighting for control, manipulating people, being funny all the time, never trusting anyone, being invisible. If these didn’t work, the child would adapt to a new behaviour that did work.
As an adult it is important to realize that, although these adaptations worked in childhood, they will get in the way of healthy relationships now. Be kind to yourself as you look inside to identify the behaviours that are still trying to help you today. Thank them for serving you. And let them know they can retire now. You have learned new tools to take care of yourself.
Grieving
Anytime we let go of someone or something we’ve formed an attachment with it is healthy to grieve this loss. Allow yourself time to feel whatever needs to be felt and to process these emotions. Journaling, meditation, and talking with a safe person can be helpful here.
Forming Healthy Attachments
As you let go of old attachments it is essential to form new healthy attachments to safe people, safe places, safe habits. This is where true healing and joy are found.
Recovery is important and so are you.
Additional Resources to Support Your Journey
You don’t have to navigate this path alone. Explore these resources designed to support and empower you:
- ALIGN Courses: Practical, self-paced, trauma-informed tools to help you navigate recovery with clarity and confidence.
- Article: Read “The Effects of Complex Trauma on the Nervous System” for actionable insights into overcoming trauma’s long-lasting effects.
Healing is a journey of self-discovery and empowerment. You don’t have to walk it alone. Let’s take the first step together