From Defensiveness to Freedom, Sara’s Battle with Complex Trauma
Where Denial begins
The brain of a child is too underdeveloped to process and resolve traumatic pain (emotional / physical / spiritual / psychological). If they do not have a safe adult to help them, their brain’s only defense is to deny the pain or to dissociate in order to survive. As a consequence, when anyone asks if they’re okay they will lash out or become defensive because it’s as if the inquiring person is belittling their ability to cope. They will begin to view anyone who wants to talk honestly about the pain as weak.
If you have experienced complex trauma, know someone who has, or perhaps you are a counsellor or therapist, you’re likely familiar with the sense of defensiveness and denial that accompany discussions around talking about these things. Or perhaps you would like to know how therapy might move forward for someone who starts out feeling defensive.
We are going to demonstrate this progression through a fictional story of a woman we’re going to call ‘Sara’.
The following represents the journey and stories of many people who have experienced complex trauma and have gone through our programs. Perhaps you may recognize yourself here.
Where Sara began
Sara had been struggling with continued flare ups of herpes, and after several visits and follow-ups with her doctor, he referred her to see a psychologist to see if there were underlying issues with stress that were causing these flare-ups. Sara thought this was a waste of time because she believed she didn’t struggle with stress and that the only area of her life she couldn’t control was this virus.
She went to the psychologist and got right to the point. “I’m here to find out if there is a pill or quick fix to cure this chronic issue so I can get back to my life.
The psychologist asked what kinds of stress she has in her life.
“None.” She said, “I’ve been working hard my whole life to rise above my family’s circumstances. And I’ve done that. I’ve built a life for myself from nothing and I keep my eyes on the horizon, not the past.”
The psychologist nodded, but asked. “What about looking back to see how far you’ve come?”
“No.” Sara shook her head. “Wallowing in past shame isn’t my style. There’s nothing good for me back there.”
“I understand.” The psychologist nodded again. “Just for today would you mind telling me a little bit about your family so I know a little bit of your history”
She glared at him. “I said I don’t want to talk about that. I’m not wasting anymore of my time on things I can’t change.”
The psychologist can see by Sara’s response that she is resistant to the idea that she doesn’t know what’s best for her, and defensive to the suggestion that her actions haven’t been strong enough to fully heal her soul. He’s seen from experience that the greater the denial a person has, the less self-awareness they will have because they've been denying so many things for so long that they aren’t even aware of it.
He gently asks, “Did you know that past stress can have lasting negative effects on the body’s nervous system and immune system?” When Sara didn’t respond, he continued. “If you’ve ever been in a situation of constant stress or trauma, that means your body has had to learn to survive in constant stress / constant ‘fight-or-flight’ mode. So while your body is putting all its energy into handling stress, it has nothing left to fight viruses. This could be why the herpes keeps flaring up.”
Sara shrugged. “Well I don’t know much about any of that science-y stuff.”
“That’s okay. The immune system of anyone coming out of constant survival mode is exhausted. The body needs time and continuous attention to be able to heal. I’d like to explore this a bit further with you if that’s okay? Perhaps we could have another appointment where we talk about something or someone who has caused you ongoing stress or anxiety?”
Pointing the finger at others
Sara took the psychologist’s advice and came back for another session. She had made a list of the people in her life who caused her stress. Three names had come up: Her male boss, her boyfriend, and her father. She wrote notes on how screwed up each of these men were and all the things they had done to her.
The therapist was pleased that Sara had been able to do the hard work of looking to the past to examine the things which had shaped her. Although he hoped she would eventually be able to look inside herself, this was a good starting point.
He asked, “What did these men do to make it onto your list?”
She said, “These are people who don't follow any rules and don't care who they hurt or about making things better.”
The therapist said, “Your father is on your list. Can you tell me what he did to get there?”
Sara rolled her eyes and looked away.
The therapist quietly noted her resistance. “Would you be willing to share a good memory you have of him? Something that stands out?”
Sara hesitated, then nodded. “We were at the park. I was about 3 or 4. I accidentally cut my foot open on a sharp piece of metal and my dad took me to the hospital for stitches. The nurse said she was surprised that I wasn’t whining or crying, she said I was being a real trooper. My dad put his arm around me and gave me a squeeze - he told her that I was as strong as a horse, and that he was proud of me.”
“That must have felt good to hear him say that.” He nodded realizing that her father’s validating words were likely the closest thing to love that she would hear in her childhood. And this formed her belief that being strong meant living in denial about the pain you feel, never being authentic with emotions, never complaining, and never asking for help. Even though her father had done things to her that were so unspeakable she couldn’t talk about them in therapy, he had validated her and become her hero. His off-handed words would shape her future.
“Do you ever show your emotions to your boyfriend or your boss when they upset you?” He asked.
“No way. I’d be mad all the time if I let myself get upset by every little thing they do.”
Sara's mother
He then asked Sara to talk about her mother.
“She died when I was young. The only memory I have with her is being happy once when she gave me a Christmas present. My dad has told me things about how awful her family was though. They were very strict and abusive. Italians, I believe. She had five rough brothers. After she turned 10 she had to help with cooking and cleaning and was only allowed to leave the house for school and grocery shopping. But somehow, she met my dad, a Canadian, and became pregnant when she was 15. He told me he didn’t care about the pregnancy and he didn’t want to get married.
But her brothers beat him up real bad and said they’d kill him if he didn’t marry her - so he married her. Then mom’s whole family disowned her after the wedding and none of them ever spoke to her again or forgave her because of the shame she had caused them. Anyway I was born 5 or 6 months later, and my siblings came soon after that.”
The psychologist's heart hurt as he noted that this painful history was laced into every day of Sara’s life.
Sara's father and her parentification
Sara went on to explain how she became the surrogate parent for her younger siblings after her mother's death. Her dad forced her to deal with angry people he owed money to. “He couldn’t pay them so he disappeared.”
“Disappeared ?”
“Yeah, he just left one day and never came back.
“Who took care of you and your younger siblings?
“I took care of us.” She nodded once, her grit glowing. “I figured if I told anyone what had happened we would be split up. And I couldn’t let that happen because we only had each other.”
“How old were you?”
“It doesn’t matter, I knew what I needed to do and how to do it. But I was 13.”
Lashing out at the therapist
The psychologist swallowed . “You were just a child and you had to take care of yourself as well as your brother and sister. You must have been so afraid.”
Anger glossed over her eyes. “Why are you trying to make me feel small and pathetic?”
“I’m empathizing with you.” He let a moment pass. “Were you upset with your dad for abandoning you?”
“He didn’t abandon me! He did what he had to do. And I didn’t have the luxury of time to worry about how I felt. I was now the only person in charge.”
The psychologist noted her defensive tone as she made excuses for her father’s unhealthy actions.
“That must have been hard.”
“I didn’t come here for your empathy or pity!” She stood to leave. “I knew this was a mistake.”
What the therapist can see clearly is that Sara got defensive because her validation as a child came from being strong for not showing any emotion. So emotions and any kindness extended to her are seen by her as weaknesses. Sara has self-loathing and believes that everyone else’s response to her will be loathing and judgement for her failures.
Anticipating judgement & shame
A few months later the psychologist reached out to ask if Sara wanted to meet again, and was happy when she agreed.
The therapist gently began, “You must have worked very hard to take care of your brother and sister and yourself. Can you tell me about that?”
Sara’s eyes clouded and she looked at the floor. In a monotone voice she said, “I had to figure out how to get us food because teachers began asking why my siblings didn’t bring lunch to school. I made up stories to buy time - I said my dad was sick in bed and that’s why they hadn’t brought lunch. In class when a box was passed around collecting money for milk I stole some instead of putting some in. Then I took my siblings to the gas station and told them to buy penny candy with the money. While they distracted the clerk I stole a bunch of things like canned ham and poptarts. We made it into a routine and did this at stores all over town. I made sure we didn’t starve.”
The therapist noticed Sara twisting her fingers together.
“I told them we had to be strong, but…” Her bottom lip quivered, “But I hit them or yelled if they cried or tried to talk about dad. You probably think I’m pretty screwed up.”
“Never. You learned to be resourceful to keep your family together. I’d say what you did was heroic.”
She shook her head. “Don’t patronize me.”
“Sara, you survived. You kept your brother and sister alive.”
“I was mean to them!” Her eyes glossed over. “Sometimes we all went to bed crying!”
“You set boundaries to keep yourself afloat, right?”
“I did it because I had to! But it didn’t help them!” She flung both hands in front of her. “They suffered and felt alone because of me!”
“It sounds like you’re blaming yourself for not being able to do an impossible task. A task that was forced upon you. But you had no choice except to be brave.”
Struggling to belong in a family
“Yes.” She leaned back in her chair. “And we would have been just fine on our own.” Her eyes narrowed.
“What do you mean?”
“Some stupid neighbour or teacher - I dunno, someone - called the police and once they showed up at our house it was all over.”
“What happened?”
“The police spoke with our landlords and asked if we could stay with them until Children’s Aid could step in or until they found our dad. They didn’t find him for years so we stayed with that family during that time.”
“How did your siblings feel about that?”
She scoffed and looked away. “They loved it.”
“But you didn’t?”
“I was independent and self-sufficient but now these new people were expecting me to do what they said? To follow their rules like some delinquent child? I didn’t need them.” Her jaw trembled. “And I didn’t get any credit from anyone for what I had done.” She sighed. “It was nice to have real food on the table though.”
Progress in therapy - Let’s examine Sara’s experience
Opening up about our past and talking about trauma is hard. Especially when trauma forced us into situations we were incapable of being prepared for. Through Sara’s experience in therapy we can see that she went from being defensive and closed off, to feeling safe enough to share snippets of her experience.
Feeling safe is key for healing.
Finding a safe person or safe community is essential for being able to let down your guard and begin to share the weight of what you’ve been carrying. We can see through Sara’s story that she carried so much denial about what had happened to her and how much stress and responsibility she had been under – this is common for those coming out of complex trauma. Many people believe their experiences were normal, but it takes removing yourself from those experiences for often a significant amount of time before you realize how unhealthy they were.
In Sara’s case, this overload of stress has broken down and messed up her nervous system and immune system and her doctor had been able to sense that this was a possibility. When our bodies are forced to be in survival mode long-term this puts continual pressure on our nervous system and immune system, and — just like sprinting nonstop to get away from danger for days would wear your body down — this often causes these systems to wear down and become less effective. This can lead to chronic health issues.
What to do if this resonates with you
Check in with yourself and ask: Have I felt defensive around certain areas of my life?
Are there certain time frames from my past that I don’t feel comfortable talking about?
Next, ask yourself if you feel any fear around these issues.
Are you afraid that something will happen to you or someone you care about if you were to talk about them? If these areas are from childhood it’s possible that your brain feels trapped in thinking that you still don’t have any support or resources.
Have you, like Sara, held onto some distorted beliefs that may have helped in childhood but no longer serve you?
Sara believed that connecting with her emotions meant she was weak or that only people with cushy lives have the liberty to talk about their feelings. The truth is many of us have held onto beliefs like this and built our lives on them – so who are we if we begin to let these faulty beliefs go?
How do we begin to rebuild?
One place to start is acceptance. Accepting that something happened that hurt.
For Sara, she accepted that feeding her younger siblings wasn’t easy. She accepted that losing control was hard when they were placed with a family. One day down the therapy road she will accept that her dad was a loser. Then she will begin to look at what it felt like to lose her mom and how that changed what she believed about the world. She will accept that she felt lost and afraid.
She will accept that she secretly wished her dad would come home and that everything would be okay.
She will begin to accept that she has felt unlovable since her dad left. That she has been hoping her siblings will one day tell her they were glad she took care of them, and that they knew she was doing the best she could. She will later accept that she hopes they will forgive her for the decisions that led to her actions.
Over time she will begin to find freedom as she releases the secrets she’s been too afraid to share.
She will learn that finding a safe community who accepts her without judgement will begin to heal her soul. She will begin to accept herself for who she had to become, and she will forgive herself because she will accept that she was doing her best and had done everything she could. She will learn tools to help her feel grounded in the present, to focus on what is true in the present, and to love herself along the way.
This journey will take consistent commitment and work. And even though she’ll experience setbacks along the way, she will pick herself back up and keep moving forward.
Because it’s healthy to look back.
Because many of us have lost ourselves somewhere back there. And each of us is worth finding.
Imagine what finding freedom can look like for you.
Additional Resources to Support Your Journey
You don’t have to navigate this path alone. Explore these resources designed to support and empower you:
- ALIGN Courses: Practical, self-paced, trauma-informed tools to help you navigate recovery with clarity and confidence.
- Article: Read “The 12 Essential Needs for Healing from Complex Trauma” for actionable insights into overcoming trauma’s long-lasting effects.
Healing is a journey of self-discovery and empowerment. You don’t have to walk it alone. Let’s take the first step together.