I find it very helpful to observe the patterns in my relationships so that I can work towards establishing healthier ones. Let’s discuss the type of people we meet in recovery and the kinds of supports we need to have a successful recovery.
A healthy relationship consists of two well-intentioned people with good character freely sharing mutual resources of time, money and energy. On the other hand, we often get caught up in one sided relationships where one person is doing most of the giving.
When I first got into counselling, I had the desire to help, but my motives weren’t pure. I was often in relationships with needy people, or nobody at all. By finding people with more obvious issues, I could ignore mine and pretend I had it all together. In a sense, codependent relationships gave me a sense of worth and protected me from myself. However, this is not satisfying! I would live, work and volunteer in the inner city all day and every day. Eventually, I became exhausted and realized I needed to let go. Sometimes setting boundaries is hard because people can see me as selfish or like I don’t know how to love myself without feeling ‘useful’. The rescuer can easily become the rescued by falling trap to the lie that someone else’s affection is the antidote to your pain and weariness. I now realize that whatever I’m struggling with needs to be dealt with directly and comfort is only a temporary solution.
I also kept myself around broken people because I feared the rejection of healthy people. On some level, I thought if they didn’t need me, they wouldn’t stay. When I was growing up, I was given the message that I was undesirable so I thought a healthy, loving relationship wasn’t in the cards for me. Emotional abuse felt normal, so it didn’t raise red flags.
So how did I change this? A few ways! I realized that I stunted my own growth by only focusing on other people and began to work on myself. Sometimes I still crawl back into the familiar cave of codependency, only to drag myself out again when I failed to change another person. I started sharing on a deeper level, so real intimacy became possible. I have developed friendships, and because I am no longer controlled by pity, I can help others. I no longer feel ashamed of getting support. I also realized what is unhealthy, which makes it easier not to fall for things like gas lighting. I also learned that no matter how fun or exciting people are, what matters most is character. When I decide to trust people now, this is what I base it on. Of course these are ongoing issues but I am in a much better place than I was.
And with time, you can all grow and overcome unhealthy relationship patterns in your life too.